Wikipedia

Natalie Blocksham was in Medicine Dr Quinn.

France Day 1: A Day Too Far

France Day 1: The Flight

I get by (with a pillow)

link!

Dear achievement hunters (and various denizens of the internet),
This is a forum on which 3 achievement hunters have found a way to trick the new Kinect into thinking you have a friend in the room with you, as there is an achievement for it on the game Kinect Adventures. These people need a method to trick the Kinect into thinking there is someone with them, instead of asking someone to do it with them.

I would like to you take a moment to consider that.

Please resume your lives, and thank you for your time,
Uberbeard

A Message to Messenger

Briefly and earnestly I must commit these words to form: MSN Messenger still trumps Facebook Chat.

This may just be in my mind; It should, could and would drive it to the ground with features, video and sound that evolved from use and managed to escape the disastrous and frustrating design treatment that Microsoft so haphazardly treat us to yearly, bi-yearly and quadro-yearly. Buggy, perhaps, is the worst of the insults that my prominent program deserves. Outdated, inexcusable! That is just not fair and how very dare you for saying so. Fax machines are outdated. Text messages are outdated. Phones are soon-to-be outdated. MSN messenger? Was it even in-dated?

Sideline aside ironically I still miss avoiding ’who the hell is this?’ Nicknames came, later than they should have (of course), but they provided an escape from incomprehensible user names and 10 minute conversations spent as a savant detective attempting to glean an identity from tactile questions like, “How are you?” and “What have you been up to?” My Colombo days are over. It’s CSI Southampton now. People and this may and could and possibly definitely includes myself, cannot control the flippancy that they use the ‘add a friend’ feature. The social network has it’s own rules and they’re out of control. I recently accepted a request from someone I could only presume I had met. Once. I think. Now they know everything about me, ever. They’re probably reading this right now, it’s perverse.

Often, in the recent months I have logged into my account; perhaps on a whim I have found myself at the creamy blue login screen for Hotmail and merely felt wintry at the college-based nostalgia it possesses for me. My rose-tinted glasses are no longer a pleasure because they are making me feel a little like I have watched too much Heroes and cannot adjust to the colour correction.

That creamy blue is now lugubrious beryl. The only thing I use it for now is making sure my Xbox payments have gone through properly. So consider this a premature eulogy of sorts, even if it’s poorly coagulated and of an off rhythm.

“To a dying friend; your Facebook contrecoup spells the end, a finute minite, lest you convalesce and replevin your missed ‘pizazz’ we will see you off with a pulchritudinous nudge.”

If I had a hat, I would tip it. I would say “you will be missed” but that’d be a complete lie because it turns out I have slightly better communication skills now. Oh, and a headset.

Keeping it Sanitary

Now, this is an odd post about an odd subject that’s existence, under any normal circumstance, would not even occur to me: Tampon sanitary towel decorations.

Were it not for my mother, whose observational skill is not documented to be any better than anyone else, I would not be writing to let you know that this normal looking tampon I am showing above (which may also be the highest resolution photograph of a tampon hosted on wordpress) has been shipped with a nice little easter egg for anyone willing to stare at it longer than it takes you to throw it between your legs.

That’s right! It’s ultra absorbent! No, no that’s not what I was pointing out at all. Look at the shaping of the central pattern; is it just us or does that resemble a fish? Well, it’s either that or a Fat Man nuke but I’m fairly sure nobody has accused woman parts of smelling like atomic power before.

Is someone sat in the Bodyform office snickering away at their own wit? Or have they unknowingly designed a hilarious pattern gracing the pubic area of millions of women, cementing the association between sea life and vagina’s for centuries to come? I don’t know, nor does mother and between us we know almost nothing about everything.

beard

Timelapse is Awesome

Gottardo Nord

The Virtual Revolution

“Governments of the Industrial World, you weary giants of flesh and steel, I come from Cyberspace, the new home of Mind. On behalf of the future, I ask you of the past to leave us alone. You are not welcome among us. You have no sovereignty where we gather.”

The Virtual Revolution is, if you haven’t caught it, a BBC series based around the internet and the wonders of it. I am currently watching episode one now, and probably will catch up on the later episodes as soon as I can…

I type as I watch, and I am currently amused by:

• The statistics suggesting Harrowgate has the most amount of porn watched.
• I’m not a fan of this lady however.
• There keep cutting up shots of her face. And then a shot of her typing, as if the narrative was of what she was typing at the same time. She keeps looking away, squinting, and then returning to typing.
• She also wears the same dress throughout the entire series.
• That’s just manky.
• OH SHE CHANGED!
• Too many exposure cuts. Reddy yellow flashes every cut. I think I’m having a seizure.
• This feels a bit self indulgent. She’s not hot enough to get away with it. And something about her voice pisses me off.
• I would prefer if it was more analytical, and it didn’t explain to everyone what Wikipedia was (so on).
• So happy Stephen Fry is included. He always has the perfect thing to say, right there! Bam! Stephen Fry! Take it.
• The Well sounds amazing, right?

Right?

Claudius and the Crow

My good friend Leonie has started up a new night, being held at the Soul Cellar in Southampton on the 2nd of February, curiously called Claudius and the Crow. Cor! Hehe.

Anyway, she previously ran We Wank Want Your Dog, and both are variety evenings for amateur performers and people who want to watch said amateur performers whilst probably also drinking, to make said amateur performers performances seem even more awesome than they are. I’m making no allusions to the awesomeness of the amateur performers performance skills, of course, merely suggesting that, being amateurs, the performances they make might be considered amateur. It is also possibly that the amateur performers themselves will be drinking too, but that’s likely to cool their nerves, because they’re amateur.

That being said, and to clear up the point I am casually rambling towards, I have previously performed with Leonie at We Wank Want Your Dog as an amateur. It’s actually called We Want Your Dog, but by amusing cumulative error, or by method of Le téléphone arabe, was printed as We Wank You Dog in the program listings, and I’ve endeavored to keep that fresh since.

Forceded by Bloxam was a relative success.

I may very well be performing at Claudius and the Crow, as I have been enlisted by Leonie to cop up some back up comedy performance to assure that there is at least some comedy (they’ve put that on the advertisements now, so they’ve got to provide). This is prompted by the uneasy confirmation of a stand up comedian, who has never actually done stand up, and might still not do stand up. I think I’ve been drafted to make sure that, if he’s not standing up to the task, at least someone is, and possibly a double backup just in case he’s not funny. Of course, my condition is that I need not perform if he’s endeavoring to sit down the entire night. It’s a likely course of events, with amateur performers.

On top of that, my awesomeness, or perhaps I should say uberness (to keep to the theme), extended out to ticket design, and may further extend to website design. Obviously, I’m brilliant at extending, that’s a shout out to all the ladies. Unfortunately, I cannot post the ticket design on the interwebs because, frankly, you could print them out and as horribly cheap and unlikely that is I don’t trust you as far as I could throw you, and to me all you are is a packet of data requesting data from my data hive. I don’t think I could throw a packet of data, unless it was Walkers.

Until the event is over, and I can share with you the lovely effort I made on the tickets, what I can upload the newly designed logo I worked on this morning, which is subject to redesign alongside the branding of her website. Here you go:

Thanks for reading, uberviewers.