I was dull.

I have a couple of entries I can post, and I’m going with this one because it’s still fresh in my memory. Most of this has been inspired by MSN conversations with various people and by the mood that I have been in of late.

I saw Emily today, we met up and sat in the cafeteria for a while. Neither of us actually ate, though she had brought a banana. I just felt off and out of place, it feels unnatural to be around her without my hand in hers or at least a warmer feeling between us. There’s no hate of course, but being dumped brings about an obvious void. At first I felt a bit sick too, which is why I didn’t bother eating, but after a while we got onto actually doing something so my mind didn’t have to dwell on the situation.

We’re still sorting out the BT problem, and it is a problem. Now the line seems to be working from the outside but nobody on the inside will confirm accurately what the problem is. I had to give Emily a form so that she checks the line ‘properly’ and then we ring up and they finally send out someone to do what should have not needed to ever be done. Yes, I think I got that right.

Anyway, I wasn’t eager to show off my Mac or my BMX but I ended up doing so anyway. I felt a bit awkward about buying new stuff and showing her it, sometimes it used to feel a bit competitive. A completely stupid notion, the idea of competitive commercialism, but I guess the adverts have done their job. That coupled with me feeling quite guilty about buying the Mac in general, too. I don’t know, already it’s been used much more than the PC but I’m not sure if it’s justified yet. Give me time, perhaps I’ll feel different. 

So that was today, apart from some procrastination about doing stuff I should be doing, actually doing some work for Becky and playing some Guitar Hero not much else happened.

Our hot water went out last night, which did mean I couldn’t run a warm bath. I was going out to see Emily, though, so I resolved to trouble shoot by spending half an hour boiling two kettles and two pots full of water numerous times. After I got home the plumber came over.

So, that wasn’t really conversation inspired stuff, and I’m getting to that I promise you. You won’t have to read much more (this could be a lie) and if you really object to it I would think stopping now would probably be preferable anyway.

I was chatting away on MSN to a couple of friends and my cousin. I’ve been considering tattoos, and I think I’m almost 60% sure I’ll get a Rebel Alliance logo somewhere about my body one of these days. It’s that or a Mandalorian Skull (google it) like the logo Boba Fett owes his lineage to. Anyway, the subject of my humour arose (because it’s rare for me not to crack a joke in a convo, or at least try) and I came to a pre-velation.

That’s like a normal relevation, but instead of coming up with it you’re just remembering a revelation you had previously. 

I am a complete tool.

Okay, so how it originally went was so: I fear an hour or two of my humour will have you repulsed by my complete lack of comedy principles, because in the end I’ll happily dive in for any joke, no matter how good, bad, shallow or stupid it actually is. Sure, when I am in University I tend to keep my voice lowered so that only those who are close by truly appreciate my dire nature, but that’s alright because if I shouted everything I thought out loud people would think I was an asswank. Or a nutter. Or a cock bandit, bum nudger, piss dancer or any other random collection of amusing words that you might use to insult me with.

I milk the teat of comedy until it is dry and sore, and even then I suckle for more and poor comedy is forced to turn it’s back on me… When that happens all I have left is sarcasm.

And there, lady and gentlemans, is a clear demonstration of the underlying problem. It was not needed. Superfluous. Inane. I’m beginning to think people don’t actually like my bizarre additions to my already elaborate (though not in a clever manner) language. Okay, so I’m no Alex DeLarge but I do have my own ways of talking, writing and generally observing the universe. I am in my own private bubble and I’m worried that it might alienate more people then it should…

It could be a problem, yes, but not as big a problem as nostalgia.

Nostalgia is killing me, nostalgia is ripping my mind apart and making me sooooo very glad I’m not eidetic (far from). Due to the dumpage, I’ve been thinking about the past a lot. I did this over christmas too, sob sob and so on… It’s horrible thinking about the past when you seemed to be enjoying yourself more than you are now.

Back then, you felt like you had piles of shit on top of you, but nowadays you have so much more shit that the shit back then seems to smell of roses. Perhaps you just have a bad memory, but it’d be so nice to go back in time and get another try. Perhaps even a different try.

I wouldn’t have taken a different path, I don’t think. If I could have seen myself here back then, knowing how my relationship with Emily was going to end, I would still have gone out with her. Perhaps it would have been better too, because I could have relished it more.

That’s always the problem. The relish, and not the cheeseburger kind. I wish I could have appreciated her company back then as much as I do now. It was wonderful over christmas to have ‘won her back’ and sure, I’m really gutted and upset that she didn’t want to stay with me any longer than a couple of months… Try mortified. That refreshment, that complete re-think of the relationship? It was wonderful. The last few months of my time with Emily have been as good as any of the first, if not better.

It was never bad for me anyway. Emily was never ‘dull’ though I think the same could not be said.  

I have too many good memories with her. That’s why nostalgia is bad. It’s painful and frustrating. I feel lost and insecure and I just want to go back to a time when I felt like I was on dry land. I want to go home.



About James

Uberbeard, otherwise known as James Crawford has just graduated from the Arts University Bournemouth, taking a course in Interactive Media. He's known to enjoy washing, eating and sleeping.

One response to “I was dull.

  1. sad, altho better to of loved and lost than to never of loved at all.

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March 2008
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