Doors and Windows

I feel down, for obvious reasons. and the day I began writing this about a week ago was not a nice day so it may get a bit moody in the areas I haven’t edited properly. Over the past week and more, I’ve just felt like two great big weights were placed on my shoulders all the time. The whole world was such an effort, and keeping myself active wasn’t really doing more than emphasizing how difficult it was to keep active.

Two years in a relationship can be anything from too short to overly long-winded, perspective wise. For my age, it falls into the serious relationship category, not that I have ever considered my time spent with Emily anything that gets near ‘serious’, but that’s merely subverting the meaning of that term to derive some sense of bizarre comedy. I hope you laughed, because I totally didn’t. Turns out editing the moan out of last weeks blog I wasn’t brave enough to post is going to be hard when all I’ve done so far is add to it.

I do feel like I’m riding the emo bandwagon at the moment, turning all my hatred in on myself whilst making sure as many people know about it. I think a little later, I’m going to write some depressing poetry and then try to cut myself with it. I have had a bit of a up and down week, with Dynasty Warriors fueling an obsessed Christopher William Pegg over this whole weekend, I’ve not really been given that much time to feel sorry for myself. Prior friday, however, I got to experience a bit of sulk at least. I have decided to write up some future breakup guidelines for myself:

  1. Go on extended journeys into your own memories at your own risk.
    Personally, I find it a little too easy to get lost for about an hour or so feeling sour at how clueless I was during a ‘specific moment in a relationship’, and going on to dwell on how I could have treasured it back then as much as I am starting to treasure the memory now. This is dangerous, nostalgia is DANGEROUS. I have said it before, but the moment you start losing yourself in the past you start losing everything else in the present…
  2. Do not go on Facebook. Ever.
    Honestly, Facebook does not help clearing your head. Being able to look at your girly’s profile and peer through older photos of them is both a (dangerously) nostalgic and painful experience. That depressing blue logo is starting to rule 80% of the world, and the more messages you read from/to your ex the worse you feel about having a notification system. It’s not a terrible price to pay for such applications as Compare People (which is specifically designed to make you feel as horrible as possible about having a #3 Best Catch but a #87 Would Rather Date) and the glorious ‘How British are You?’ but remember: social networking is EVIL AND POINTLESS so why bother? Myspace is also dangerous, but nobody goes on it anymore anyway so you’re probably alright.
  3. You are fantastic, stop feeling so insecure you asshat!
    Obviously, to be ‘discarded’ is a horrible feeling. You feel low, you feel unwanted and insecure. I even felt selfish and shallow and I was the one who got dumped, so there’s one to try and get around. Do not talk to people if you’re worried they hate you. They obviously don’t, how the fuck did you come to that conclusion and where has your brain been all this time while you’ve been working up a vociferous level of paranoia? I learned a new word through spell checker. ^_^
  4. It was worth it.
    There are less miserable and more angry issues of course, and it’s a little too easy to get frustrated quickly. The trouble is when you’ve been living with someone in your life for two years they become ingrained into your subconscious. They become intrinsic to the way you look at yourself that you don’t feel quite right without them. You invest a lot of time into relationships, and when you turn around and find all of that time, all of the love that you put in seems to have left you with less than nothing it’s hard to be positive about stepping forward. You might actually get angry that you wasted that time. Remember: You are wrong. It was not time wasted, anymore than Dynasty Warriors 6 was. Hmm, I may have to re-think that point. I wrote in one of my last blogs about developing yourself as a person, and I still believe that. If you can take something from a relationship, whatever it is, then it’s not a total loss, so yeah James, remember it.
  5. Get back on the horse… well, not STRAIGHT away
    Stepping back out into another relationship like the one you’ve come from is not something I look forward to. It could easily be taken as a shallow to feel like you want to jump right back into another relationship, the old rebound, and people often say it doesn’t do much past make you feel worse. I’m not sure, and I’m not really up for trying it. I feel low, but I don’t believe that getting it on with someone else (to put it as it is) is going to make me feel better for anything past a few seconds of glory… I mean, an hours worth of hot raw sex… Yeah.

Going all in from the start, like I did with Emily, might have pushed the relationship to end a little sooner than if I had held back. I think in future I might take relationships with a little more hesitance, I can still see me and Emily having lasted longer. I can still see us having lasted a lot longer, but I’m willing to put that up to my apparent blissful ignorance about her feelings, which has proved been a problem in the past.

If this doesn’t really apply to you reader, that’s fine, or maybe bits of it do and bits of it don’t, just remember I’m addressing this to myself whilst still in a state of mopey breakup downtime so I might always be wrong. It is me though, so I doubt that highly.

– Mmm, smarm.


About James

Uberbeard, otherwise known as James Crawford has just graduated from the Arts University Bournemouth, taking a course in Interactive Media. He's known to enjoy washing, eating and sleeping.

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March 2008
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