Indiana Blows and the Crying Still

So now I am going to review Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Then I will drink and cry.

I am going to post the result of the review right here, and the bulk of the actual review in an extended section that, yes, contains rather dreadful spoilers… Spoilers that will not only ruin the story for you, but will probably ruin the story for you. Trust me, however, that nothing I can reveal will hurt your enjoyment of the film more than the film itself.

4 out of 10

So… 4/10? That must be pretty bad, right? Well, honestly? The film was really well done, the cinematography, the humour, the characters, the action, the screenplay, even the story up until they get about 3/4ths into the film and then get out the Aliens… Interdimensional Beings, in point of fact.

Interdimensional Beings.

Now I have no particular distaste of Interdimensional Beings overall, they’re great, I could even grow to love them if they had been in a movie that wasn’t Indiana Jones. So firstly, just by including aliens I have docked the film the 8/10 rating it was building up to up until the ending point and dropped it down to a 6/10. Still not shabby, perhaps? Well, that’s because I understand the direction of introducing aliens, I understand that they were sending up the sci-fi serial films of that generation, which is why it makes sense (in a way) to have some kind of sci-fi influence.

The trouble is that would be fine but I make the point again that it is Indiana Jones and aliens just don’t sit well with the 3 prequels having been based off of mythology (and having practically accepted the idea of God existing (yes, it’s fiction, but even Indiana Jones needs continuity (NO ALIENS))) I was expecting a true sequel, I did not want or think it a good idea that Spielberg and Lucas play about with what, to me, seemed like a good thing.

I’d like to push the point further that the film did not feel like a 50s Sci-Fi movie, because the sci-fi aspect was really not delivered right, they included it like Tomb Raider, not ‘Martians Invade the Earth!’. Area 51? Not a bad idea for Indiana Jones, but I have the feeling that if they had made it more about exploring the conspiracies behind the site and not finding random skulls, fighting random mind reading russians and then following a bland pattern to a random Aztec pyramid it might have fitted with Indy a lot more.

So in essence, the film started brilliantly and slowly got worse and worse before dropping into abysmal and then ending as though nothing had happened. I have a niggling feeling that the particular ending we have on this movie we can thank George Lucas for, due to the overuse of 3d effects and effective implementation of a second Jar Jar. George has really let me down, and I think I was actually more dissapointed with this movie then I was with X-Men 3…

I have sad.

You see, I really wanted this movie to be good, not only because then I could use the blog post title: Indiana Pwns and the Temple of Awesome,  but if it was good it might have restored my faith in what I believe to be two film geniuses going very far over the hill. Spielberg’s last few films have been shockingly bad for someone who has released such brilliance like Shindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan and Jurassic Park. War of the Worlds? Minority Report? Munch? Dear lord man, stop using Tom Cruise! I don’t completely hate him and it’d be great if you could keep that up not using him in your movies.

Oh… and Lucas?! Lucas.

Georgy boy, Mr Jar Jar himself shocked and appalled a lot of people who had invested a lot of ‘New Hope’ in the Star Wars franchise and looking back at Episode 1: Phantom of the Space Opera I can understand why so many geek’s souls were utterly crushed when it was released. It just happened a little too soon for me, I was young when it came out and so I had not developed the keen sense of film that I am trying to develop now as a young adult. As a child, that movie rocked because it had aliens and Podracers. As a young adult I still love the aliens and the podracers, but I’m more and more drawn to the older films the more I watch the new ones.

Indiana Jones? That’s a different story for me, because it’s now and I’ve already built up an emotional connection with the original trilogy, it’s much closer to home and as such, I am much more bothered that this has been fuzzed up (for me) then I was back when Lucas did it to Star Wars. I came out of watching Indiana Jones wishing it hadn’t been made, because I came out half the man I was before. Harrison Ford died in my heart, and his greasy son came and raped the last remainder of his damnable charm from my sugar coated memories.

I think that about as much as I can say without repeating myself or going around in circles, I hope this has been illuminating for you.

It’s a 4/10, because it could easily have been so much more.

Also, he did not use his whip enough.

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About James

Uberbeard, otherwise known as James Crawford has just graduated from the Arts University Bournemouth, taking a course in Interactive Media. He's known to enjoy washing, eating and sleeping.

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