I’ve had a complaint building in me and I totally missed the fact that I have a blog on which I can moan about it… Yes, it’s this one here if you’re wondering what blog I was talking about. Mind you, that wouldn’t be totally unforgivable.
I was just sitting around (as you do) playing Halo 3…
Okay, I started that totally wrong. Nothing even remotely funny could be said if I started my story like that, so I’m going to shake things about a bit.
I was travelling through the astral plane whilst multi tasking and taking out a hoard of… the Hoard… Well, okay I can’t write for shit so I’m just going to complain and get it over with. The smart people in the audience might be leaving now, the dumb ones (or just the ones who need finalization on this) can stick around and get bored while I waste another 5 minutes of their lives.
I got the munchies for some chocolate and a nice cold glass of cranberry juice, the staple late night snack for Mr James Crawford when he’s geeking out on the X-Box. I traversed the stairs carefully, remembering to poke my head into my Nan’s living room and grunt as if I was still part of the family. I was being lulled into a false sense of security by how normal this whole incident appeared. I got my glass, I got my chocolate. I didn’t even think to look as I reached into the jar and grabbed that bright red and silver wrapping of a Kit Kat. Mmm, Kit Kat!
So I’m back upstairs now, and yes, I’m in the present tense as well! Isn’t it miraculous how I can so smoothly shift between tenses without even seeming to stumble the story?
Regardless, I sip the cranberry juice without suspicion, mumbling something to the sad loser I’m talking to through the matchmaking room, perhaps wondering if he’s also sat in his jammies at his end of the internet.
I take a bite, a whole fourth… okay, third of the Kit Kat is in my mouth and I’m still none the wiser to the disaster afoot. It hasn’t registered yet, and I frown somewhat as my tongue picks up on a taste I wasn’t expecting… Has this chocolate gone off? Have they stopped using milk to blend it and experimented with liquified gravel? Has someone rubbed their sweaty pouch on my poor chocolate bar?
It was far graver…
I HAD TAKEN A COFFEE KIT KAT!
My outrage is not that there is such thing as a coffee Kit Kat, oh no! Some people like coffee, obviously…
Some people also like raping people… It’s not really my call to judge them, though I will. I will judge them so hard.
My problem, as it is, is that the coffee Kit Kats have barely anything to distinguish themselves from normal ones… I mean, they’ve changed the logo on the side somewhat, but it still looks like a normal Kit Kat. It still has that Kit Kat logo, without any tagline that suggests ‘COFFEE FLAVOUR’. Seriously, they could have put a bit more indication…
The mint Kit Kats were green for moobs sake!
Alright. I wrote a lot there, and I’m going to stop now.
Or am I?